Standing on the seventh floor, staring into the dark. My heart is pounding like never before, like it wants to fight against my thoughts. Or trying to catch up with the time it thinks will no longer have.

First it was scary and exciting, but then there came a longing. A longing for just climbing over the fence and drop myself into the deep.

How easy it would be, to just let myself fall and never have to stand up again. Never have to try and try to change myself, never have to prove myself again, never have to wake up another day full of disappointments.
To be disappointed in the world, in people but most of all in myself.

Thinking about calling someone, telling someone what’s going on in my mind. To hear someone tell me everything is going to be all right, that there will be brighter days, that this won’t lasts forever. But I can’t think of someone who wants to hear my crap. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems. I need to be stronger than that, need to figure it out for myself.

While I’m becoming selfish and don’t care about anyone anymore, the first tear drops down, followed by others. I let them fly and tumble through the air until they hit the ground, imagining it could be me that was free.

As the tears stop, I begin to feel the control I have. This time, it is not the world deciding for me, but is me who has control about my next step. The only question is, will I chose for the nothing or step back on the solid ground. It feels good to be the one who has the power to do whatever I want. Just need to figure out what that is.

Gazing over the rooftops my common sense is beginning to fight its way back. I take a step back and begin to walk away from the heights. I don’t know what I want or how I feel just jet. But for now, it is enough to know that there is a way to escape this mad life. As I walk down the steps, I smile to the people I meet, they don’t know anything about what just happened and have already forgotten they’ve seen me.

(ps. sorry dat het in het engels is, daarin kan ik mezelf het beste uiten.)